Keeping Your Cool & Negotiating in IEP Meetings
Picture this scene: you’re smiling as you skip out of the IEP meeting room after a long meeting, saying to yourself, “Wow! What an amazing IEP meeting! I feel so refreshed and revitalized. I understood every word and decision. I negotiated for everything I wanted and received all of it.”
Does this happen occasionally? Sure. It's our bet that it's a rarity. So if you feel yourself getting tense and emotional in IEP meetings, especially ones where you are putting some significant requests on the line for negotiating, you may end up walking out drained and feeling a little (or a lot) down in the dumps. Know that you are not alone.
How many times have you felt your nerves unravel in a special education meeting, especially if you’re pushing to reach an agreement that the school district will give your child a service or support that you definitely believe is necessary?
Maybe you’re also arriving at the meeting exhausted because you didn’t sleep well the night before (feeling anxious about the meeting). Add other factors...you might feel rushed, the room might be too hot or too cold, you might be squeezed in around a table with cramped seating, or as the meeting winds on, you’re getting hungry or thirsty (tip: take snacks…even-keeled blood sugar is the way to go!).
These meetings are serious business. A lot is on the line. Many parents in IEP meetings report that their emotions interfere with their ability to keep cool and negotiate. We get it. It’s tough. Here are five helpful tips - and mindsets - that can ease the rising tide of your emotions in IEP meetings and help you engage in collaborative negotiations. Your focus is on being your child's best advocate when your emotions are running high. Let's jump in. 1. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. You are a respected member of the team. In fact, you’re an equal and important member of the team. Establish trust with the other team members by speaking courteously, asking for explanations, and seeking frequent breaks if you need a breather. 2. BIG PICTURE. Be creative. Think outside the box for your child AND the classroom and school. Do your best to come to the table with some ideas that might create a win-win for both sides. If you need help, ask friends, family, and your own private providers to help you come up with creative solutions. BONUS TIP: Better yet, bring them to the meeting with you. Our mantra is “Never Alone.” Always take someone with you for support and creative brainstorming. 3. LISTEN. Focus on what's actually being said, not your interpretation of it. Do your best to treat this like a business meeting. It’s very challenging to keep your angry, sad, or frustrated emotions at bay. The interesting thing about parents is that we are usually the least objective folks in the room at an IEP meeting. That’s just a natural result of being a parent. We may not hear things without filters, and that's to be expected, because our hearts and minds are deeply involved. Our suggestion? Consciously remind yourself to distance yourself from the emotions. Try not to lend hidden meanings to the discussion. It's also tempting to interrupt if you’re getting riled up. Take notes and remind yourself gently to "listen." If someone is saying something that is making you see red, take the high road. Take a break. Deep breaths help with attentive listening. Then ask lots of questions. Which brings us to our next tip… 4. ASK QUESTIONS. Ask school personnel for information. Who, What, Where, Why, When & How. The more you ask, the more you know. And if you don’t understand the answer, ask again in another way or simply explain that you’re needing more clarification. BONUS TIP: Maybe the meeting should be temporarily tabled so that more details can be gathered or you can locate someone to help you (a provider, an advocate, or a family member). It’s fine to suggest that IEP decisions be postponed. Parents have the right to make decisions in a fully informed, no-pressure situation. 5. FOCUS ON ABILITY. Yep – we’re there around the table to talk about how to educate your child with his or her needs, but we find it helpful to keep putting the focus on your child’s ability. What are his or her strengths? Look for ways to put “moments to shine” into the IEP. (We are devoted fans of focusing on ability; in fact, Edly's motto is "For the Love of Ability.") Repeatedly focus the team's attention on what your child CAN do. This will help you negotiate from a position of optimism and strength. Staying glued to the positive (glass half full!) is a great way to defuse the tension you feel.
So, now it's your turn: what do you personally do to keep a cool head and negotiate well? We’d love to hear your stories, tips and suggestions. Comment on our Facebook page (www.facebook.com/edlyabilitylove) and share with others, too. And as always, reach out to us at info@edlyeducation.com if you would like more information about Edly’s market, clubs, or advocacy services!